Trying to be stronger than I am

Well, I would like to think that I have done quite well this last year in handling my dad’s death, my grandma getting cancer, my dogs death, and all the other bad stuff that has happened. But some nights are extremely hard to handle, especially right now as my dad’s birthday is just a few days away. I just can’t seem to keep a strong handle on the sadness that is swelling more and more the closer it gets to his birthday. A lot has happened in the last year since his passing and I sometimes wonder if I am strong enough to handle it.

July 16, 2012 – Dad passed away

Early August – Started college at 16

August 16, 2012 – Maynard (My dog and best friend) passed away

August 29 – My dad’s birthday

Mid-September – Grandma (Who raised me since 6-ish months old) diagnosed with cancer.

October – My “best friend” told me that they thought I was stupid and hated me

November – Little brother diagnosed with sever childhood bipolar disorder

December – My birth mother told me she hated me and wished she would have aborted me when she had the chance.

Those are just the biggest things to have happened to me over the last year. And I honestly wonder sometimes if I am strong enough to handle all the stuff going on in my life. I am only 18 years old and feel like every time something seems to go good, a million bad things happen. I constantly feel like I am trying to be stronger than I actually am. I try and try and try. For what? To break over and over again?  Some days I really do feel like I need to be stronger than I am. Then I think about all the support I do have and the fact that I can help other girls going through the same thing and I realize that it is worth it to act like I am stronger than I truly am.

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My life

A little more about me.

I am a California native who decided one day to pack up her car and drive till she found a place to call home. Four days later, I landed in the mid-west and have been here for around 6 mo. I grew up in a small house about an hour outside of Sacramento. I was one of the only white kids in a black neighborhood. That didn’t become an issue until high school though. 

I graduated high school at 14. By the time I graduated I had been jumped 8 separate times. I had my knee cap shattered twice and had my arm broken once. But that didn’t really matter to me. I was sued to it. My parents had left me in foster care at age 6 mo and my grandparents were granted custody. There are several account of “suspicious injuries” on my record that could never be confirmed. I was too scared to tell anyone and lied about what was happening for many years. 

I met my ex at age 13 and we started going out right away. The first 5 or 6 months were okay and then he started verbally abusing me. It wasn’t long until he became physical with me. About a year after we were together he sexually assaulted me. He had me convinced that no one would want me that I spent almost 4 and a half years with him. 

That leads up to around now. Living with my past and trying to help girls get through the same thing I went through.

Sometimes, you …

Sometimes, you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.

One of the hardest things in life is learning when and how to let go of the bad and negative people in your life. Some people want to build you up sand others want to bring you down. It is a hard thing to differentiate but it does need to happen.