God doesn’t giv…

God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I wish he didn’t trust me so much.

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Trying to be stronger than I am

Well, I would like to think that I have done quite well this last year in handling my dad’s death, my grandma getting cancer, my dogs death, and all the other bad stuff that has happened. But some nights are extremely hard to handle, especially right now as my dad’s birthday is just a few days away. I just can’t seem to keep a strong handle on the sadness that is swelling more and more the closer it gets to his birthday. A lot has happened in the last year since his passing and I sometimes wonder if I am strong enough to handle it.

July 16, 2012 – Dad passed away

Early August – Started college at 16

August 16, 2012 – Maynard (My dog and best friend) passed away

August 29 – My dad’s birthday

Mid-September – Grandma (Who raised me since 6-ish months old) diagnosed with cancer.

October – My “best friend” told me that they thought I was stupid and hated me

November – Little brother diagnosed with sever childhood bipolar disorder

December – My birth mother told me she hated me and wished she would have aborted me when she had the chance.

Those are just the biggest things to have happened to me over the last year. And I honestly wonder sometimes if I am strong enough to handle all the stuff going on in my life. I am only 18 years old and feel like every time something seems to go good, a million bad things happen. I constantly feel like I am trying to be stronger than I actually am. I try and try and try. For what? To break over and over again?  Some days I really do feel like I need to be stronger than I am. Then I think about all the support I do have and the fact that I can help other girls going through the same thing and I realize that it is worth it to act like I am stronger than I truly am.

Nobody is perfe…

Nobody is perfect. I may not be the most beautiful girl, or the sexiest, or have a perfect body, but I do not pretend to be someone I am not. I am great at being me. I might not be proud of everything I have done but I am extremely proud of who I am today.

The letter that he will never read

So I wrote this to my (now ex) best friend about a year ago. But I know he would never read it. Even if I sent it to him, he would probably just trash it. (Name bleeped on purpose!)

Z****** J****,

I give up. On you. On us. On being your friend. Possibly even on living. I have tried for so many years to be the best I can for you. We met back in the 6th grade and were great friends right off. I even remember the very first time you came over and we sat on my bed for almost 5 hours while you told me your life story and I remember the exact words you said at the end of that. You told me, “I would rather tell you all the bad things now so that if you want to stop being my friend you do it now and not when it will break my heart later.” Well news flash, you broke mine. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. We were the best of friends, or so I thought. You crushed me. I tried so hard to win your affection and you would lead me on then leave me in the dust. 

You have completely crushed me. I love you. Yes, still in the present tense. I will probably never stop but I can’t keep letting you break my heart over and over. You never seemed to understand that I would have done absolutely anything for you. I would have given absolutely anything to make sure you were happy, hell, I did! You could call me at anytime and I would walk to where you were to make you feel better. I was always there for you and you couldn’t give two sh*ts about me. Your mom has been telling me for years that I had no chance and that She didn’t understand why  I was so into you, and I could never give her a reason.

I want to yell at you and tell you how much I hate you and never want to ever see you again and that I think you are awful. But I made you a promise once that I would never lie to you. And I never have, ever. But I know you can’t say that same thing. I want to tell you that you can rot in a hole and I wouldn’t care but that isn’t true either.

Honestly, I hope you have a great life. I hope you finally choose one girl to settle down with and marry and have a great life. I hope you finish college and get your doctorate like I know you want to. I hope you have a happy family and a big house and everything you can ever want. I hope you learn how to be happy. And I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I am done with all your BS and lies and heartbreak.

Have a good one. I will miss you being a part of my life. I just can’t take this pain over and over again though. I cannot let my heart go through that. Thank you for helping me through many hard things but f**k you for putting me through some even worse things.

Love always and forever,

your (ex)best-friend Dee. 

My life

A little more about me.

I am a California native who decided one day to pack up her car and drive till she found a place to call home. Four days later, I landed in the mid-west and have been here for around 6 mo. I grew up in a small house about an hour outside of Sacramento. I was one of the only white kids in a black neighborhood. That didn’t become an issue until high school though. 

I graduated high school at 14. By the time I graduated I had been jumped 8 separate times. I had my knee cap shattered twice and had my arm broken once. But that didn’t really matter to me. I was sued to it. My parents had left me in foster care at age 6 mo and my grandparents were granted custody. There are several account of “suspicious injuries” on my record that could never be confirmed. I was too scared to tell anyone and lied about what was happening for many years. 

I met my ex at age 13 and we started going out right away. The first 5 or 6 months were okay and then he started verbally abusing me. It wasn’t long until he became physical with me. About a year after we were together he sexually assaulted me. He had me convinced that no one would want me that I spent almost 4 and a half years with him. 

That leads up to around now. Living with my past and trying to help girls get through the same thing I went through.