The letter that he will never read

So I wrote this to my (now ex) best friend about a year ago. But I know he would never read it. Even if I sent it to him, he would probably just trash it. (Name bleeped on purpose!)

Z****** J****,

I give up. On you. On us. On being your friend. Possibly even on living. I have tried for so many years to be the best I can for you. We met back in the 6th grade and were great friends right off. I even remember the very first time you came over and we sat on my bed for almost 5 hours while you told me your life story and I remember the exact words you said at the end of that. You told me, “I would rather tell you all the bad things now so that if you want to stop being my friend you do it now and not when it will break my heart later.” Well news flash, you broke mine. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. We were the best of friends, or so I thought. You crushed me. I tried so hard to win your affection and you would lead me on then leave me in the dust. 

You have completely crushed me. I love you. Yes, still in the present tense. I will probably never stop but I can’t keep letting you break my heart over and over. You never seemed to understand that I would have done absolutely anything for you. I would have given absolutely anything to make sure you were happy, hell, I did! You could call me at anytime and I would walk to where you were to make you feel better. I was always there for you and you couldn’t give two sh*ts about me. Your mom has been telling me for years that I had no chance and that She didn’t understand why  I was so into you, and I could never give her a reason.

I want to yell at you and tell you how much I hate you and never want to ever see you again and that I think you are awful. But I made you a promise once that I would never lie to you. And I never have, ever. But I know you can’t say that same thing. I want to tell you that you can rot in a hole and I wouldn’t care but that isn’t true either.

Honestly, I hope you have a great life. I hope you finally choose one girl to settle down with and marry and have a great life. I hope you finish college and get your doctorate like I know you want to. I hope you have a happy family and a big house and everything you can ever want. I hope you learn how to be happy. And I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I am done with all your BS and lies and heartbreak.

Have a good one. I will miss you being a part of my life. I just can’t take this pain over and over again though. I cannot let my heart go through that. Thank you for helping me through many hard things but f**k you for putting me through some even worse things.

Love always and forever,

your (ex)best-friend Dee. 

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